Judy (frank_is_my_god) wrote,

Didn't think I could be even more cryptic??

How did I manage to run my life so far in the ground to the point where I feel like there is no way out? I've been told I'm a fuck up... I've pissed off nearly every person in my life that cares or has cared about me.

I came to Texas to change my life. I left the one person in my life that truly treated me better than I ever deserved. I feel like I have just wasted almost 3 months doing absolutely nothing. I'm going around in circles. It seems no matter who I ask, I've made the wrong choice.

I should have never left California. I should have never come to Texas. Leaving California was the best decision I've ever made. Calling off the wedding was a great idea. Calling off the wedding was a horrible idea. Getting into a new relationship right away was a terrible idea. The list goes on & on and no matter what I do, no one is happy. Especially me.

I've wasted this time by not working. Spending countless hours miles away from home, sabotaging friendships... and for what? I try SO hard. I keep my cool. I shut my mouth. I don't speak up and I do anything and everything that's asked of me and even more... and for what? A hug? A kiss? It seems like such a task every time. I'm scared to even ask anymore. I sit here crying because I don't know what else to do. I'm so lost here. I wanted so much for this to work out. I wanted to be happy but I'm not. I'm miserable.

I made one mistake. Just one. I am SORRY! I would do anything for you and you don't even care. It's up to you when you want to be happy. When you want to treat me well. When you want me. It's never me. WHAT is this? What do you call this? This is not what I was expecting... I deserve more than this, I know that much. I can't do anything without an inquisition afterwards. I go so far out of my way. I'm told not to, I'm told to be myself and not worry but you don't mean it. You never mean what you say. You're perfect to me, but this is wrong. It's so twisted.

I thought that losing this weight would solve my problems. I thought I'd be so happy, I thought I'd never be self conscious. I was so wrong. I wish I had never ever done this to myself. At least he loved me for me. Now, I should be so happy with myself, my body... and I'm more self conscious than ever. I feel disgusting. I'm not the "type."

Money? FUCK!!! No matter what I do, I'm fucked. It's my fault, all my fault. I will not make any excuses. I wont because there is no point. But what I've already done (or not done) is done. I'm just scared. I'm scared to death. I wanted to be my own person. I rely on EVERYONE else because I am not motivated. I'm worthless... homeless? Car-less? Either way... come next month, I'm going to be of the two. HOW did I manage?

You're all right. Worthless. Backstabbing. I don't deserve this.... I don't deserve anything. I've betrayed everyone's trust. EVERY single person. My family, my friends, my boyfriend.... I am just all over the place but I'm no where at the same time.

Where do I go? What do I do? I have no idea. Don't think I want sympathy. I don't want anything.
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